Dear Brethren

As you all know, I am quite caught up with lawyers on two continents, sniffling neighbours after their recent bloody noses, a wayward architect and one or two other men of ill repute.
As much as I will miss you all dearly * yawn* my life has become a little bit too hectic to bother with the likes of you for now. :)

God is taking a break and is now officially incommunicado.
Will return to full functioning soonest.

Have a great summer!

Don't pester me with your petty prayers!
The answer is always NO!!!

Godly

My First Kiss

Some firsts in life you just never forget.
At the risk of sounding all girly and mushy .......I still remember my first kiss ( and the guy's name)
The interesting thing is it was the precursor of two life patterns for me.......one being *younger men* the other a sign I was going to be a take charge kinda girl who wasn't about to take shit from no motherf£$%$er.
I was 6 years old and Victor Jazztrap was 5.
My mum went over to his mum's house for coffee and Victor and I were jumping on the beds ,as you do.
Victor ,I recall, had dirty blonde hair (no,I mean DIRTY) with lil' dirty, curly,locks and grey ,dingy underwear on.
What can I say? I like dirty boys!
Well,after a few hops ,jumping on the bed,that got old, so I stopped.I stared at him and said all sweet-like," Kiss me!"
He looked at my freckled face, screwed up his own(mimicking EWWWWWWWWWWWW) and simply said, " No!"

A less confident girl would have shrank with mortification! Maybe been scarred for life!
Not me!
I raised my fist giving him a cold,withering look and said," If you don't kiss me I will HIT you!!"
* smiles* So, of course he did!
* flicks my hair* I ALWAYS get MY WAY!
Pissed off though that he DARED raise ANY objection I slapped him across the face but hard!
Little faggot ran crying to his mother and ratted me out.
I was told off and not allowed to have dessert that night. APPARENTLY it is not" lady like to go around making boys kiss you against their will!"

I always hated him after that!
I wonder if he remembers his first kiss?

Here's betting he's a faggot!
I hope I had something to do with it!

Why Cucumbers Are Better Than Men

* A cucumber never leaves you for your best friend.

* You never have to pick a cucumber's socks up off the floor.

* Your cucumber doesn't care if you put on 10 pounds !

* You always know where your cucumber has been.

* Your cucumber is always there waiting for you to use it.

* A cucumber is ALWAYS HARD!

*Your cucumber NEVER gets you pregnant then denies it's HIS!

That Moment Has Come

You know the moment I am talking about....... it was bred from MANY moments when you were a kid,and your parents dominated you,slapped you,withheld your allowance for some piddling infraction( if you even fucking got one!)fucked you over time and time again and you looked at them with murder in your heart but NO POWER and silently thought " One day BITCH, you'll be old and it's PAYBACK TIME!"

Come on! It's not just ME!

Anyhooooo.......take a good look at your parents!
Are they getting a little frayed around the edges? A little puny and vulnerable looking?
Do they NEED YOU, now??

Okay, you sap,now is not the time to feel sorry for them! To let bygones be bygones.
Now,is the time for PAYBACK!

The only problem is.... SUDDENLY bashing the shit out of the elderly is ILLEGAL!

Funny, bashing the shit out of kids wasn't illegal THEN. Oh fucking NO! That was GOOD FUCKING PARENTING!
The way I look at it is this...
There are many ways to skin a cat and avoid incarceration.
First off,if they are older than 65 start IMMEDIATELY telling their doctor they can't remember things like they used to.
You may need to do a bit of inventive prep work first,like turning on the stove before you leave, hiding shit and telling them "What do you mean I didn't tell you THAT?" " I told you three fucking times!"

It's also a good idea to plant some seeds and shake their confidence by constantly suggesting they're "losing it!"
Then when it is firmly established that they are indeed losing their fucking marbles *let them protest,it only strengthens your case.*piss them off big time and then rush them to be "assessed" while they are still livid that you arranged to take out a mortgage on their finally free and clear house to do something really stupid......like sail the world,feed the hungry....ya know,shit like that!
Under such strain,and being mucho pissed, there is NO WAY they are going to pass any assessment,now!

Then you re-assure them that the doctor is full of shit(just to pull the rug out from under them later)....Just like when you were a kid and would ask" Can I go to Joey's house on Friday for a sleep over?"...and they would say" WE'LL SEE."
You just knew "We'll see" meant NO but they didn't want to deal with you having a fucking fit right there and then.Besides, they could emotionally blackmail you to do all their bidding for the rest of the week, with a " Well, Do you WANT to go to Joey's house or NOT?"
Of course,the one thing you did not do and they pulled the rug out from under you!! You were royally screwed after having been Kunta Kinte all week!

Surely , you are not going to let them off the hook now are ya?

So then ,when they are least expecting it,you take them for the "big drive" , to the local NURSING HOME! There you tell them, as you miraculously produce a suitcase, that this is their NEW home, you have sold theirOLD home,the people will be moving in next week and as you are running out the door......"Byeeeeeeeeee,see you Mother's Day...IF YOU'RE GOOD!"

You could just threatened this, after you have one day beaten the snot out of them, as motivation NOT to tell anyone. When you finally tire of using them as your whipping post to release all your life frustrations,just like they used to do,then you can move to the HOME PLAN.
Trust me,this is A LOT of fun!!!!
Not only that but NO jail time,and there is a tidy sum to be made from their house and life savings if you ensure to get power- of-attorney first.

Go on,you know you want to.

* Disclaimer: June Cleaver here thinks this post is sick and wants you ,the reader,to in no way infer any poor parenting on her part being the inspiration for this post.

** I will deal with June Cleaver later.

Soul Mates

How does one know when they have met their soul mate? What is the difference between past loves and "soul mate?"More specifically, what makes one a soul mate and not others?

When two soul mates meet can they tell right away or can they be mistaken and only think that they are?

Most importantly,why can't they come with a label that lets you know so that you don't have to question if they are ......or blow it because you didn't realize?

If one questions it,does this mean you aren't?

Is there a probationary period where you have to wait and see for it to be proved true?

Discuss.

Blog Award Winners

Well, the 1st Annual Blog Power Awards has come to a close and I am thrilled to say that two of my nominees took 4 awards between them- two being for 1st place!
Can I pick a winner or what?????????
The first time I saw Captain Smack's post How To Start Your Own Religion" I had a religious experience, a seizure and an orgasm all at once!
Now THAT'S TALENT!
IT was the most brilliant fucking thing I had ever read on the Internet( as porn usually has no subtext) and nominated him and then set out trying to convince him that these awards are what that post was written for!
Modest fucker didn't believe me......and now look! He scooped BEST POST OF ALL TIME!!!
after having just made his Bloggy debut in March'07.
He has firmly established himself as the BLOG MASTER!
He is going to be more pursued than Saddam Hussein!
Congrats Smackers!!

Crushed By Ingsoc was my other favourite to win and he didn't disappoint!
He won a (tied) first place standing for Best Little Blogger, a second for Most Articulate Wordsmith and yet another second for Best Under-rated Blog!
He ,too, is a newcomer to the blog scene and writes the "thinking man's blog" that really gets one fired up.
In fact,I read his Nietzsche post,demanded another and yet another(God can do that!) and then decided I had to "talk Nietzsche" with him over the phone.
We collided over Nietzsche philosophies like two meteors and a very special relationship developed. So keep your fucking hands off of my Nietzsche boy!!!

I couldn't be more thrilled for these two talented John Boys, who beat out far more established bloggers, if I gave birth to them myself.......or taught them how to spell (less stretch marks).
So congratulations to you both!You should be over the moon at the recognition awarded you that was most deserved.

Congratulations also to our Mutley for winning second place in Most Politically Incorrect blog.

Blog Power Awards

The Blog Power awards close London Time 19:00 today, Wednesday,June 13th .
Two of my nominees captain Smack in category 19 for Best Post of All Time and Crushed By Ingsoc for Best Little Blogger are doing extremely well.
To take these awards home to bed with them tonight they need your vote again NOW!!!

Adopt A Neo Nazi And Feel Good About Yourself

Personally,I LOOOOOOOOVE Neo Nazi's-it gives the stupid,lumpy kids a sense of belonging when every other fucking club has rejected them.It's great that the only prerequisite needed to join this club is that you MUST BE UGLY!
Fuck you ,Debating Society AND the Chess Club!
I think it most unfair that they are discriminated against and called racists.How could they possibly be racists?Look at all those lovely brown eyes and dark dome stubble.....True they don't have very high numbers of Aryan members but it's hardly their fault.Aryans can get into ANY fucking club they want.
And REALLY what self respecting Aryan is going to band together with a bunch of mixed raced,mentally challenged, neanderthals who have to shave their heads so that they can hide their ancestryas they shout their " we hate everyone!" slogans.

You can always spot a Neo Nazi as they are the ones doing the goose step at their annual circle jerk while comically screaming their high pitched, " we hate gays!"
I love their little salutes too....such a show of "brotherly love."

We NEED Neo Nazis in this world......for who would we point and laugh at now that cripples are off the menu?
You have to admit they do wonders for the poor self image of our youth. Ever stand near a Neo Nazi? Your attractiveness instantly quadruples!
They also make the most retarded ,boring person you could ever meet suddenly seem witty, clever,engaging! EINSTEIN.

I dunno about you...but I think ( therefore I CAN'T be a Neo Nazi) this cluster fuck of social misfits is definitely an untapped resource.
The good news is that you only need to know one to immediately feel so much better about your life.
I know my IQ soars just breathing the same air as one!
If they were not all HOMOSEXUALS I could definitely get into dating one .You have to admit there is something very manly about a guy who stomps around in Doc Martins ,arms flailing ( or is this a funky chicken kinda dance?) who worships blondes and recognizes I AM superior to them.
They would never cheat on you as they prefer the company of boys who resemble Adolph.

Hey!!!!! How come Hitler didn't have to shave his fucking head????? Oh, or is this like " In the land of the bald,the one with hair is king!?"

The only problem though is that as they all look alike, dress alike, share one collective brain , thought and three word vocabulary, if you were to meet your beau and his friends say, how would you be able to tell which one was yours?
Do they have serial numbers tattooed on their forearms? OR do we just stand there ,like a lemon,and hope that they will be able to recognize US by scent?

One thing I do find odd about them though is that they all seem to have an affinity with baseball bats . Surely they are wayyyyy too fat and lumbering to play any kind of sport???
Maybe the goose step is more aerobically challenging than we realize.

You have to give them credit for not being a drain on our society too.....as they don't compete with us for jobs,drain our education tax dollars, clog our dentists offices or require much out of life except the odd razor and beer.

So, hug a Neo Nazi today- after all, they work REALLY HARD at making the rest of us LOOK GOOD!
And they don't require as much upkeep as a chia pet.

Pre Action Protocol Letter to The BNP

Dear Foul Mouthed, Cowardly,YOBO,

You have been to my site and stuck your fat,facist nose in,like an old woman peeking through her lace curtains!
If you have seen anything you should not have ( and you know what I mean) and , even for a nanosecond,contemplate doing anything about it- it will be the VERY LAST THING you do!

I have not been living in the UK all my life.
I am closerthanthis with Turkish and Syrian Muslim fundamentalists who just so happen to owe me a favour or two.

So be warned,Turkish neckties for anyone who goes any where they shouldn't or touches anyone they shouldn't!!!

Please,kiss off

I didn't want to carry the hate campaign against me to sully my blog and drive me from Bloggyland here, but as the minions are being gathered to continue the attack , while Ms. Benedict Arnold hides behind her sweeter than 'Honey' veneer,I feel I should address this and then hopefully her whole pathetic jealousy rage will die.
Clyde, a fondly thought of and regular commenter on my blog, has been sent with false information to my guy's blog while her other works our beloved Smacker's blog. I feel that these two minions are probably innocent and force fed hate by the very one who publicly commented that she doesn't come here to spread hate.

This is the post that Clyde left at Crushedbyingsoc's blog ( where he had never gone before)....

Clyde said...

"How weak is God
She shuts down her own advitorial because she cant handle the heat from the sinners who reveal her as a vengefull non worshipal being and she reappears under some cloak organised by you to continue with her vilification of others under a pseudonym so transparent that it is laughable.
Carly, get out from under the blanket, answer the criticisms, admit that you fucked up, apologise and get on with blogging in your origonal very acceptable brash style.
Geez Crushed----find a worthy cause to mentor not a deity in hiding."

So to answer you Clyde and put things to rest.......
I did indeed give Fingers a little slap on the wrist ( with a link) for the times that he followed me from blog to blog saying filthy things about me. For two months I ignored it, assuming he had my humour and it was all meant in fun. He then began to vilify two of my closest friends here who noticed and minded his attacks on me and defended me with the odd not -overly -harsh comment.
What I did not realize , until it became glaringly obvious, was that this was indeed a genuine smear campaign organized against me and my blog,by someone who has always had a reputation in chat rooms for allowing her insecurities and jealousies to make her react, out of spite, to come between couples and assassinate people.Enter Fingers and now you...
She, when chased out of chat rooms for this behaviour, has learned to use others to advance her aggressions; saving her own reputation.
Clyde- I have done nothing wrong,In fact, in the event that Fingers was embarrassed by my gentle slap down,I deleted the post and apologised. I certainly do not come here to hurt or humiliate anyone.
The tone of my blog was vulnerable though when my "good friend" tried to insidiously insinuate that I was spreading hate. Fingers did admit they were in collusion to bring me down; essentially.
Ms. (Bitter) Honey has also felt the need to try and cozy up to my guy by becoming a sudden new commenter on his site as well as emailing him, hell bent on trying to destroy our relationship.
Clearly she is delusional that his "politeness" in any way indicates that he is NOT fully aware, as most are, that she had a plan to destroy her friend out of jealousy when I got friendly with "her people" who also appreciated my blog.
To try to end her childish shit slinging ( and as she was here first) I shut my blog down. Crushed was most upset by the way I was chased out and has set this up to encourage me to write...and has been nagging me to do so every day.

I was warned by this same girl to watch my back as you were all cut throat here and I couldn't trust anyone as you were all "hoping for book deals"LOL
Instead I found a group of like minded, supportive,kindred spirits and it was only her who was cut throat and vindictive.

I appreciate the emails and support I have received, asking me to come back and continue with my blog.
I genuinely didn't realize my blog was appreciated that much(or at all) or my leaving would have even been noticed.

Who says having a big mouth isn't appreciated???

So,while it was soul destroying to have a friend bring me here then try to discredit me & exploit the tone of my blog .......................you sorry lot made my spirits fly.
* Anti-smiting vouchers all around.

I may have lost one not-so-true- friend- at- all but I made many more amongst you.
I am very sorry to Crushed and Smackers for you being dragged into this.
Now Clyde, stop believing everything you hear( sadly the tooth fairy doesn't exist either), you were my first regular supporter and I greatly appreciated that, and still do, so come back and join us for a cuppa sometime. :)

I am still GOD though and don't you guys forget! I killed UBERMOUTH after all- no one is safe!

Ms.Smack- Really! Get over your childish spite, you will get an ulcer , girl! No one is in competition with you.We are not Bush and Saddam- you stay in your corner of Bloggyland ;I will stay in mine ,then we can all get back to the spirit of what blogging is all about.
Oh, and stop trying to suck up to my guy; it's quite embarrassing as we WERE friends and it looks like I suck at picking decent friends( which, clearly I do)
I'll tell you what- if it doesn't work out- I will send him YOUR way :)
Just Kidding, baby.

First Post on This Blog

This blog is going to be big.

I have set it up for the MOST IMPORTANT girl in my life, here on the bloggosphere.

If anyone messes with her- well, you don't want to.

Now sit back and hear her words.
They will change your life.

They changed mine.

She's here to stay.

Now I'm handing over to her.

Cheers,
Crushed by Ingsoc